Dear Flora, People don’t know this about me, but I am severely depressed. To be honest, I cannot remember a time in my life when I felt happy or content. I feel guilty for having these feelings because I know that I have so much to be grateful for, but I somehow always come back to feeling unworthy, and unloved. Almost every person in my life has deeply hurt me and/or let me down. I know that much of my emptiness stems from an unhappy childhood, but I only remember very few incidences. It may seem like I am just complaining, and waiting for my life to pick up, but that is not the case. I truly make conscious efforts to improve myself and my well-being constantly, and I am just stuck. I’m trapped in negativity, fear, guilt, and debilitating depression. Now it’s to the point where I wonder if something is physically wrong with me, or if it’s the depression that’s sucking the life out of me. My interests and motivation are gone. I’m shaking my head after rereading this because I know I sound pathetic. Is my situation due to past karma? I’m looking for answers as to why I feel this way, and what can I do to heal myself and enjoy life. I would also like to know what lies ahead of me and for my husband and two young girls. My motivations for healing are not just for myself. The rare times I do feel motivated, I enjoy helping others. I am a healer (with reiki, intent, and intuition), but I need to work on myself first. Thank you for giving me the chance to let it out. –Marie
Not a single word about what you shared sounds pathetic. Most of your fellow human beings — including me — have experienced depression at some point in life. You referred to feeling “severely depressed,” and said you “cannot remember a time in your life when you felt happy or content.” It is no wonder your interests and motivation are gone!
Because you “wonder if something is physically wrong with you,” I encourage you to discuss your experiences of depression with your doctor and health care professionals to explore all possible diagnoses. When I did the same, I discovered my thyroid numbers were way off track, and I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Tending to that was essential to my well-being. Addressing physical components will be one of many steps toward empowering yourself, and will help you make educated choices about the most appropriate forms of support for your level of depression.
I do not know if your situation is due to past karma, nor can I say specifically what lies ahead for you, your husband, or your two young girls, but what I do know is that each one of you is being lovingly served through your willingness to address your own suffering. Your gesture of reaching out for help is an act of self-love, Marie, and self-love is your key to enjoying life again, and is the healthy foundation from which you can then serve others. Whether one’s suffering is due to past karma, or not, what is most important is how we respond to it. Addressing your pain offers your daughters a living example of self-worth and self-love, and creates an opening for your husband to be able to connect with you in ways otherwise not possible.
Your obvious strengths will serve as life lines as you gradually gather up and remember your self-worth and your self-love. Give yourself a moment to make note (on beautiful stationery!) of strengths you recognize within yourself, such as the ones your words clearly demonstrated. I am noting them for you below because, sometimes, when we are under the influence of depression, we are challenged to recognize certain facets of our wholeness. Treasure this list, keep them in your pocket, and read them often to nourish and empower your relationship with yourself.
Being honest with yourself
Articulating what you are feeling
Recognizing and acknowledging you want help
Perceiving deeply rooted patterns
Experiencing and accepting your gifts
Knowing what you want
Tending to your own well-being before supporting others with theirs
If you are inspired to receive the support of flower essences during the upcoming Aries Full Moon, call upon the ILLUMINE formula to foster feelings of equilibrium and wholeness. Invite the light of the Full Moon to fill your emptiness and to illuminate disowned aspects of yourself. In what ways have you caused yourself pain? How have you let yourself down? What have you been deep-pressing inside? Listen with compassion rather than self-criticism for responses to your questions. Step further into your vulnerability, and rest assured that in doing so, you are embodying your innate courage.
Thank you, Marie, for allowing yourself to share your feelings and your experiences so openly. Mother Earth and all Her inhabitants are receiving your healing and your love, and are responding to you in kind.