You can’t go back home to your family, back home to your childhood … back home to a young man’s dreams of glory and of fame … back home to places in the country, back home to the old forms and systems of things which once seemed everlasting but which are changing all the time – back home to the escapes of Time and Memory. – Thomas Wolfe
This week’s Full Moon/Lunar Eclipse is in Sagittarius, the sign of the traveler, the wandering stranger, and appropriately enough I’m writing this from a motel room far from my home. Or rather, far from my present home; the place where I’m staying is, in fact, just a few miles from the hospital where I was born.
I think of this place a lot, but I haven’t visited here since 1988. So it’s one of those places, you know? – it feels familiar, except it doesn’t. It’s gotten to the point where I feel more nostalgic visiting Los Angeles, the place we moved to, than I do here in the place that we left. The feeling of visiting here has been less sentimental than odd – like being transplanted into, say, the setting of your favorite fictional television series. You recognize some landmark or other and you stop and exclaim, “Oh, it’s that place!” But it seems out of context somehow. You remembered it a bit differently, that this was farther from something else or the scale of it was different or … well, you get the idea.
It’s odd.
I’m a stranger here, now. Our rental car has license plates from a different state, far enough away to elicit curious stares. I left here before I knew how to drive, and I have to use a GPS to find my way around. I meet cousins, people I spent a lot of time with as a kid, and I have to be introduced to them.
It’s been the same story, more or less, since we left home more than a week ago. We spent nearly a week in New Orleans, a city that seems vaguely familiar, even if you’ve never been there, because you’ve seen it in countless movies and television shows. And yet you get there and it has a slightly different shape than you’d expected. Some things are brighter, and some are much darker. The food, the people, the colors… it’s all as wonderful as you’d hoped, but not at all as you’d imagined it. It’s like walking into your house to find that someone has come in and moved all the furniture around by about three inches; everything’s a little bit off.
I was in New Orleans to attend an astrology conference. (Note: I wrote this in 2012, just after the UAC conference.) It’s a big deal, this conference, and it happens only once every four years. I imagine for a place like Denver or Orlando, previous hosting cities, having hundreds of astrologers descend on you at once might be kind of disconcerting. But New Orleans, being New Orleans, didn’t bat an eyelash. Many of us were strangers to New Orleans, but familiar strangers, the weird meeting the weird.
I met a few of my colleagues there, people I’ve known from my rich little online world, but not as many as I might have. I’m adrift in groups, I’m afraid, and usually hide from them as much as possible. I presented a lecture, and while it was stressful preparing for it the experience itself was the easiest part of the whole conference, one of the few moments when I felt comfortable, like I knew who I was and what I was there for.
Some of us are meant to be outsiders, I think. An eclipse in Sagittarius evokes the Stranger, the wanderer within you, who was fated to leave the people to whom she belonged in order to have strange new experiences far from home. Sagittarius is usually presented as such a happy, positive sign, but being a stranger is not always a great feeling. To make the whole world your home, you might have to let loose of the specific places and situations that give you a sense of belonging.
My Sagittarius eclipse experience has let me be a stranger in the strange land of New Orleans, but also led me to the more disorienting experience of being a stranger in situations that should feel familiar. Oh, there have been moments of connection all along the way. It’s just that for most of the trip, I’ve felt the way I feel here in my home town: like a stranger, like I should feel a sense of belonging that in all honesty I don’t feel.
Today, I took a drive with my sister, my brother, and our spouses down into the deep heart of the country farmland where we lived as children. It’s the first time we were all together there in probably forty years. Lots of things have changed. Houses we’d known had burned or been torn down. Roads were diverted, and we had to find detours. The old general store has been boarded up for decades and is in a state of picturesque decay. Many of our relatives are in the old cemetery just outside of town. Downtown is decrepit, and the three of us don’t look so hot anymore, either.
Standing outside the house where we grew up, we contemplated the changes… the missing barn and outhouses, some trees that were gone. It felt as unfamiliar as New Orleans had felt. I looked down and my eyes rested on a piece of pavement, an old, old piece of the path that leads from the safety of our old porch to the road that winds up through the ridge and out of town. I could remember walking that path in bare, calloused feet, as clearly as though I’d done it just the day before. The wind rustled a familiar song through the trees that my grandfather planted decades before I was born. My brother and sister and husband stood just a few feet away, next to a car with out-of-state plates, waiting for me. And for a moment, I wasn’t a stranger there. I knew who I was. I knew what I was there for.
I was there to say goodbye.
© 2012 by April Elliott Kent
for april, you sure are a good writer.love ,paula
That’s so sweet of you – thanks, Paula! 🙂
Re trees yes last week before I left Australia my across the street neighbours cut down an enormous Torres Strait Pine. It was one of three no doubt planted at least 100 years ago. One in what is now my yard and in a beautiful triangle two in what is now my across the streetneighbors yard. One of theirs they let die three years ago in the drought. The second they killed last week. It took them a whole day to cut her down. Mine is the lone survives. I watered her through the drought despite fines of hundreds of dollars. What the hell are people thinking? Trees are our life sustaining gifts from Gaia.
Beautiful article. This has been a really intense time for me and appears to be continuing. My sun is 4Degrees 59sec in Sag and ascendent 4 degrees 15sec Gemini..Feeling positively dizzy with issues of comfort/not comfort. This weekend is also my 19th wedding anniversary. May 25, 1994 was when we first met. At least that is going well. But I’m SO anxious to make changes within myself and with my career path. I’m NOT a patient person.. I’m trying to just stop and breathe. I am so tired of my job of managing an animal hospital (“good work” that it is) and I want to return to my passion of teaching ballet and further working with Pilates/post rehab training techniques to help people keep movement in their lives. I have been a professional ballet dancer until an injury, and then working in animal hospital as a “job” and teaching ballet “on the side” for years. The desire to step solidly into Dance/Movement training has become overwhelming of late.. and it seems like such a slow transition. But I don’t know if it’s slow due to my fears… or..?.. interesting times and leaves me feeling very “out of sync” with my job as I’m just going thru the necessary motions. Thanks as always for all your insights-
Your story brought tears to my eyes as I can relate to the feeling of being a stranger in my own childhood hometown. I too moved away from home as a young adult and always try to feel “home” when I go back, but end up feeling more like I am in between something..and feeling sadness because of missing the way things used to be. In any case, your story was moving. Thanks for sharing. Take care.
Denise, my mother died of Alzheimers, but, of course, she died to me many years before that. Recently I have read of a doctor who cured her husband’s A.D. with coconut oil. You might want to Google that. One expert uses niacinamide. I think that was Dr. Kaufman. Perhaps you could track down some info on that. Easier to try these remedies if the patient is in your own home, of course. BTW, I am an R.N., in case these remedies sound flakey. As for myself, relevant to the discussion, I just turned 70, my parents and only brother passed on a long time ago. I still wonder whether I will ever belong anywhere.
Sad… My Sun is 1 degree Sag, 10 mins. This eclipse is hitting me hard. Sags also cry!
Damn! That was a good one. I recently returned to a city from my past and it was as you say – dreamlike. There was recognition of certain places but then it was what’s this doing here? Sag on the 11th – the outsider. I know it well.
Great job.
Thank you for that, Cassandra. It really is such an odd, disorienting feeling. I sometimes feel like my past is some book I’ve read so many times that it feels as though it happened to me… but it didn’t, not really!
Oh man! I am home visiting my home town with my boyfriend and meeting both our families for the first time. Its so hard to balance both of our friends because we grew up not far enough away to make them two separate trips.
I feel so lost and disconnected to myself this trip. I feel somewhat on autopilot and dont feel like meeting any new friends or being on. Totally overextended. It sounds like It might all be the eclipse..
Thanks!
Oh Nolie, that sounds very eclipsey! What a stressful thing, The Meeting of the Families. No wonder you feel lost, disconnected, overwhelmed! I hope you can find the odd moment to slip away and just sit by yourself in some quiet place. Nothing’s worse than having to be “on” when you’re depleted and have lost your center!
What is it with the 40 years thing ? In February I became somewhat obssessed in finding my ex-bf. A mission that surprised both me a d my husband of 33 years.
As for being a stranger.. I live in a house that has been in my family 60 years, was conceived around the corner – but my neighborhood is gentrifying so, that we are the strangers. We are not upper middle class, and the divide between us and them deepens. Yesterday, new homeowners to the left of us cut down a beautiful tree that was littering on a new SUV. I grieve for it.
And Finally, my brother has conceded to put our Mother with Alzheimers into a facility dedicated to that population. Tomorrow is the 7th anniversary of Dad’s passing, and is the day each year when the Sun enters my huge 12th house. Amazing this thing called Astrology. How accurate it can be.
Denise, what’s the 40 years part? Is that how long ago you were with your ex-boyfriend? Forty years is almost half a Uranus cycle – a cycle of individuation and rebellion. Full of surprises, for sure.
I got so angry reading about the tree that I almost got sick. A lot of the same stuff is happening in my funky neighborhood, one of San Diego’s oldest, though it’s more about an influx of much younger, hipster type folks. I miss the used bookstores and antique shops that once lined the main street; how many craft beer places and tattoo parlors does one small neighborhood need?
Alzheimers seems an exceptionally cruel illness for the patient’s loved ones. The coincidence with the anniversary of another difficult loss must be especially rough. My heart is with you and your brother.
Duh, yes that is how long ago we were together. It was so odd, having not thought of him in 39 years ;), I was curious about the astrology of 1974. I have done my research (Scorpio Stellium oh & Saturn Return 2) and spoke with his Widow.
Perhaps he is a Spiritual Ally on the other side? Half a Uranus cycle, makes sense.
Another tree came down today, people who move to this little suburb of NYC just seem to hate trees. My yard is a Certified Wildlife Habitat and all organic with Native Plants. It is All I can do. That, and tweet about the #F–ktards ! From my bellewitch66 twitter handle. Join me if you like, gentrification is soul stealing. Denuding Mother Earth, a crime against all of us.
Alzheimer’s is a terrible disease. This version seems to have a strong genetic link. I am going to be making My wishes known via video to my family. Let there be no questions.
To end on a happier note; Mom was here Tuesday after a stressful AM I settled her in my bed and stroked her hand, hoping she would take a nap. She turned to me about 15 minutes in and said “now I want a cigarette!”. lol, I almost fell out of bed.
Not sure if she meant it the way I took it, but it cracked me up.
I’m living exactly the same situation. I’ve come back to the place in Northern Italy, where I grew up. It’s a time of big changes for me and, as you say, I’m here to say goodbye and remeber where I stemmed from. Thanks for your reflections. It has helped to understand 🙂
No writer could ask for more, Alessandra – thank you, and I wish you a peaceful and soulful visit. 🙂
Hi April, so very much relate. I have Saturn (that old dog!) in my 10th at 2degrees Sag…opposes Venus in the 4th exactly opposite 2 degrees Gemini. To add to this Gypsy placement is my North Node in Sag in the 11th at 9 degree and of course, opposite South Node in the 5th at 9 Gemini. Being an Aries Sun/Mercury both at 16degrees in the 3rd…just add to it more. I can never go home again…it has always been that way…left Pittsburgh, Pa. moved to L.A. the day after high school grad, back and forth driving across the States, finally ended up in London, UK…been here now 28 years…my daughter is soon to graduate high school and all I can think about is where do we go next? I am tried of being a “stranger in a strange land”. But the emphasis or “where do I belong” never really gets an answer. Family in Pittsburgh…estranged, of course. I have lived off and on in Florida too…but would it be right for my upcoming second Saturn Return which will happen next year but I am already feeling the “call”. I have travelled and lived in so many places, way too many to mention here… As Janis Joplin sang….”freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose”… that lyric comes to mind…but wouldn’t it be nice to find that one place which “wants me” that one place I belong to called “home”? I have no idea where it is or even how I would find it anymore. I think we who were born to wander…lose something too in the Fool’s Journey (as in the Tarot)…and that is belonging. Great post! Thank you for sharing your own journey.
Thanks, Shawn, and thanks for sharing your own, very Sagittarian experience! Where’s your Moon in all of this?
Saturn in Sag in the 6th house – Sag cusp. I’m following a plan for a new job.
Good luck, VJ!
I’ve been living in the city I am now in for 5 years and I have yet to make a single real close friend or find any kind of group or place that feels comfortable. I have wandered this city like a total stranger year after year after year for nearly 6 years. It sometimes drives me crazy–other times I am getting adjusted to it. Never a super social person (I am a writer and a musician) I love my own company and I love to work alone, but this much loneliness and isolation has really been a serious challenge. I’ve always had some kind of friend or friends and support and a lifetstyle that allowed me some measure of choice and freedom. All that has been taken from me. I am learning to keep my own counsel, to handle the constant misunderstanding and rejection of others as NOT ABOUT ME, I’ve become a meditator and a truly introspective person. The loneliness has cause health issues which are on going, it has caused me to withdraw from dreams and expectations–they are not realistic and I may have outgrown them. It has caused me to understand the divinity of myself and others, that true spiritual awareness begins with loving yourself and that is a challenging journey at best! I have roamed my entire life’s past and recapitulated just about everything–the inner life has expanded as the outer life has gotten smaller and smaller! I’ve quieted down, slowed down and I appreciate moments, slips of beauty and a smile on a stranger’s face. The small things have grown large. I have no idea how long this will last. There is no end in sight it seems so I have to trust that this is the path I am meant to travel–this takes faith and surrender–two things I never knew until now!
April and Allison, much to think about here. Thank you.
Alison, I can relate to everything you wrote. You expressed it so beautifully. There are times when I’m in my car coming back from running errands and just wish there was just one person I could drop by to see and have a cup of tea. I’m going through the empty nest at this time also. Surrender and faith have been my mainstays as well. I live in southeastern Pennsylvania. I wish we lived near to one another–we could get together for lunch sometime. Thank you for sharing.
xoxo Dee
Allison, I admire you for seeking meaning in a difficult path. If there is a way for you to find your way to a place that’s more amenable, I hope it presents itself to you soon. I completely understand the part about being happy with your own company, yet needing *some* measure of sociability in your life! Sharing a virtual cup of tea with you and Dee, with warm wishes for a rich Full Moon season.
What a lovely reflection on being a wanderer. As an at-first reluctant wanderer who has gone further from my roots than I ever imagined possible, this piece strikes special place in my experience. I do go home – every year – to the house built by my great grandparents – lived in by my grandparents, and now, my parents. The gardens have been tended but the house slowly showing signs of age, as are my parents… and me. It feels strange to go back, with furniture and people still the same, but being so different myself. Inside, I often feel like no one can know the entirety of me. My experiences are so vast and varied – relationships situational. Though settled with a home and family of my own for the last decade, three home cities, two kids and a busy job have taken a toll on my social interactions. The one place I feel a sense of belonging is in my professional life… but even that is situational, at conferences.
It’s interesting because Sagittarius is that one sign that I’ve never felt particularly aligned with – I’m a Pisces with few Sag friends or even acquaintances. It’s funny – it’s even the zodiac sign I “forget” when I list them from memory… yet, it seems, there are a lot of lessons there for me. Thank you for your thought provoking piece.
I can relate so much to your experience, Christine. And I had my own struggles early on, figuring out what to do with Sagittarius – oddly, since I have Sagittarius rising and a ton of planets in the 9th house! It clicked for me once I unearthed Sag’s very soulful side, its love of nature, and its strong need for freedom. Thanks for your kind words!
This outsider theme is a familiar one for me as well. This eclipse is occurring just 7 minutes shy of my sun at 4.15 Sag. I have the moon at 1as well; can’t help but wonder how to read this energy charge or how it might manifest in the outside world 🙂
Della, I always find it helpful to revisit other times when eclipses fell in about the same degree of the same or opposite sign. For instance, May 25 1994, May 31 2003, Nov. 23 2003, Nov. 25 2011, May 20 2012, Nov. 28 2012. Spend a little time thinking about these time periods (within a few months either side of the exact dates), and see if any recurring patterns emerge – this should be a very potent eclipse cycle for you, since both the Sun and Moon are aspected!
April, thank you for sharing this. It was so poignant and familiar. But, don’t be forlorn. You’re saying ‘good-bye’ to that place at this time frame. The place is forever in your heart…just as it was, as it is. A little slice of heaven to be held close and cherished and experienced whenever we want to. I live just shy of 100 miles from my ‘hometown’ on Long Island which was devastated by Hurricane Sandy. It’s like we see it as it is now but we can cherish how it was then, too. Love you. Don’t worry…be happy. xoxo Dee
Warm thanks to you, Dee. (That was my mom’s name… always makes me happy to see it.) Yes, that’s what we’re always looking for when we try to go “home”, isn’t it, that wonderful, never-to-be-repeated combination of place, time, people, and who we were when we were there. And of course we can’t go back, and yet as you point out, Glenda the Good Witch in the Wizard of Oz was right: We always have the power to return, we carry it around inside of us. xoxo
I will be making my first leap across the pond to St. Andrews Scotland next
Tuesday for ten days to play golf with my husband. The Gemini/Sag full moon is on my ascendant trine my 3rd house mercury in Leo. What an adventure !
How fabulous – I hope you have a really wonderful adventure! Have always wanted to go to Scotland. I’ll be in the UK in July but won’t make it that far north this time, unfortunately. Happy golfing!
Hi sweetheart. What can I say but are we living parallel lives? Guess not just what you said re sag moon is ringing so true as I sit in a hotel room in LA having arrived from Australia, my home of 20 years. LA was my home for the twenty years previous and where am I going but back to the South which I left forty years ago! Tomorrow I meet with a friend I have not seen since I was twelve and then onto see my son who is now living in Virginia with his new wife and baby, where I also lived as a child. And then onto sisters and a brother in Fla and New Orleans again both places of my childhood.. All feeling very surreal. I’m not good with astrology but understand I’m an Aquarians with a Sag moon so probably all the more reason what you wrote resonates. Never quite belonging. Never particularly bothered by it but now feeling its time to connect..
Thank you, Belle! You get it, for sure. I go back and forth with the belonging thing… sometimes, like you, I couldn’t care less. Other times, it feels like there’s a lot of empty space in me where there should be something a little more connect-y. I hope you’re enjoying your visits – safe travels to you!