Dear Aphrodite, Will me and my ex and I get back together? We love each other so much but many things got in the way. I want that love and passion back. Thanks, Tiffany
Dear Tiffany, I’m going to tell you something I’m sure you don’t want to hear: 99% of the time it’s just not a good idea to get reconnected with an Ex. You broke up for a reason, and those reasons still exist, though as time goes on we remember only the love and forget core incompatibilities — the way they didn’t gaze adoringly at us, the little white lies they told that sparked our suspicion, our divergent dreams of the future, etc. Most of the time a reconnection solidifies those differences between us, only in a more dramatic way. Though, sometimes a reconnection is exactly what the Ego needs to really, totally and finally understand that it’s not going to work out. Often going back for a second helping of “what if…?” can be third eye-opening.
I once got back with an Ex. I thought: This time I’ll appreciate his finer qualities more. I’ll overlook our differences, because differences make it interesting, right? It didn’t end well. He treated me even worse than I’d remembered. That was a turning point for me; it solidified my commitment to loving myself, to growing, to seeing my relationships more clearly. Years later he called me, during a Mercury retrograde, to apologize for what a jerk he’d been. When he called, I’d been eating dinner with my fiance, who I was madly in love with. This delicious moment wasn’t courtesy of karma; it was a direct result of self-love.
A big block to letting go of an Ex is the fear that we will never again get to experience the benefit of those beautiful qualities we love about our Ex. It’s simply not true. For instance, I loved that this particular Ex put me on a pedestal, adoring me and my creative talent. I worried I would never have this with another person (because I hadn’t yet). Then, I realized I was giving away my power, that I could do this for myself and I designed a plan. Through the exercise I share with you below, I also noticed a pattern of dating narcissists, which helped me see I was giving my attention away to others who didn’t care for me.
I bless all my Ex’s. They’ve taught me so much about me.
I chose your question because Mercury is about to go retrograde (8/12-9/5/17). When our minds are in review mode, there’s a tendency to look backwards, to the past. Mercury (along with Venus) charges connections, so the probability of thinking about a reconnection, with anyone from your past, is a bit higher. That said, this fact doesn’t necessarily mean its a good idea, though it may be necessary, for your clarification. Regardless, I suggest being extremely kind with your self. Letting go of a relationship, and understanding the necessity of its ending, is hard. True Love will always be the mysterious “x factor”-and that’s something no one can predict.
Exercise: Mining Your Relationships for Gold
I receive so many questions about getting back together with Ex’s. I’d like to prescribe an exercise. I call this “mining your relationships for gold”. Get a pen and notebook. Make a page for each of your Ex’s, and dividing the page down the center, in the left hand column write everything that delighted you about being with this person, from “the way he made me feel so beautiful” to “I loved that she was a poet.” On the right hand side, what didn’t delight you, like: “addiction issues” or “mean when angry.”
Do this for every Ex. Now, combine what’s on every left side onto one piece of paper. This is a composite of your ideal partner or soul mate. See, you get to keep the wonderful qualities of all your Ex’s – it’s the DNA of your Venus, encoded pieces of magical information about your personal preferences, building blocks for the picture of the ideal mate you need to create in your imagination, and can eventually attract to you.
And, take it to the next level: your composite mate is actually you, waiting to be recognized and loved. Acknowledge this. You’re the poet, you’re the person who makes you feel sexy and beautiful via her own loving presence, etc. What can you do, what self-loving action can you take, to nurture this truth?
Finally, in your spare time, when you feel like working on your stuff, on the right side of those papers, look for patterns. Don’t throw this information out! With consciousness, you can turn this into gold, too.
This exercise paraphrased from my book A Love Alchemist’s Notebook: Magical Secrets for Drawing Your True Love Into Your Life