Julia is away at this Full Moon, so please enjoy this column from our archives.
I was born on July 19, 1991. I have since developed a number of gifts and come into numerous blessings. While I was interested in divination and the occult at a very early age, I consciously began to take my identity as a mystic seriously in April 2011 when a watershed of life events changed everything for me (notably, having my love reciprocated from someone I had fallen passionately in love with a year and a half before). I began to experience incredible signs in nature – visits from numerous animal spirit guides and synchronicities that astounded me. That fall I began to practice Tibetan Vajrayana tantra, enthusiastically follow the Moon’s cycles and feel powerful. The following January my beloved, whom I had been living with, had to leave the United States. My life has grown increasingly more complicated and depressed since. Last summer I lived and travelled in Nepal and had many, extraordinary spiritual experiences that I hoped would help me live a happy, centered life and, while I cherish these experiences immensely, they also served to exaggerate my self-indulgent melancholy upon returning to my studies this fall. I had a few fearful visions and have been desperately uncomfortable in my own skin for much of my time since. With my Sun and Vesta in the 12th house, I remain rather “in the dark” about who I am as an individual and what I ought to be doing with this life and very often feel a terribly crippling emotional pain that makes me feel like I’m at my wit’s ends. Though I am ashamed to admit it, I have thought about killing myself for most of the days of the past few months. I have a history of acts of gentleness and kindness but am prone to harrowing self-sabotage and self-loathing. Could you shed any light on my situation? Any advice you could provide would be deeply appreciated. (MH)
Gentleness, kindness, deep sensitivity and the capacity to feel equally deep loss and suffering are visible both in your Cancer Sun and your Scorpio Moon. Yes, you do have positions in the 12th house, most importantly your natal Sun which is conjunct your 1st house Chiron, which are indicators of the inner journey required to truly know yourself, rather than the easier though more superficial, unexamined sense of self most know.
I think your current painful struggle with the loss of your beloved, leading you into the underworld to meet again your harrowing self sabotage, self loathing and melancholy, is clearly delineated by your natal Moon in Scorpio tightly squaring your natal Saturn in Aquarius conjunct the Descendant triggered by transiting Saturn in Scorpio these last few months; a transit that will continue into the next 6 months. This is the time when you are being called to enter Scorpio’s underworld to meet, know and learn to direct your Moon/Saturn as a more integrated aspect of your nature with a valuable function. Do not face this darkness alone or utilizing only your previous coping skills, it is time for safe support through friends, healers or at least a spiritual/psychological process that can both guide and heal. It is also important to concentrate on transiting Neptune which is and has been opposing your natal Mars/Venus conjunction confirming the soulful depth of your recent love as well as its loss. However, Neptune (ruler of the 12th house where your Sun resides) has much more to teach you about what the path of the mystic, healer, teacher is and will be for you. Study Neptune through Astrology and mythology but be careful during this time (which includes 2013/2014) to stay grounded, to pursue spiritual experiences safely and gently.
Also, note that both your progressed Venus and Mercury are retrograde and will be for a number of years, therefore, be willing to take your time to enjoy your retrograde path to development and purpose. With your natal Mercury in Leo conjunct Jupiter and square Pluto, it is important to cease pushing, needing to know and seeking powerful experiences which you may not yet be prepared for, take it easy trusting magic and synchronicity to lead you gracefully. 2014, when transiting Jupiter conjuncts your Sun and Ascendant, will be a renewal period of growing awareness. The next 2-3 months as your progressed Moon moves into a square to your natal Pluto, be especially careful in meditation, yoga or any spiritual pursuit not to overdo; rather work with a healer, a therapist or a grounded spiritual exploration of your past/family befitting the Moon and your 4th house Pluto. Hopefully, this light shed on your chart will encourage and guide you during this challenging time.
I’ve come to realize things about myself that are hurtful and disturbing that I feel have been caused by my mother. I have felt for years that people see me as positive, happy, good self worth and not insecure but people avoid me after a while and I have no friends. I’ve always thought that people were jealous and I am guessing some are but I have come to realize that maybe some are not. I have no idea how others see me and what my face portrays but I am beginning to feel that I must have a look of pain, passivity or a look of torture. It seems to me that some find me easy to take advantage of. My mother, I feel, hated me because she was jealous or envious. I never felt loved by her at all. She was always a little mean to me, critical and never really praised me. She never took my side against anyone including my brothers. My mother would take anyone’s side against me, no matter whom it was or what they did to me. I have been on the receiving end of jealousy from other women because of my looks and I am not sure what else they could be jealous of because I am a nice person. I think my husband may be a homosexual trying to end his relationship with me by being abusive. He has done some horrible things to me, accuses me. I think he is envious of me. I need serious help because whatever look I show to the world is causing me not to have friends. I do not feel passive inside but obviously something wrong is showing to the world. I have been crying because my mother, I feel, did a job on me. If I had some insight, I could work on things about myself. I was born July 17, 1948. (SOD)
Scorpio rising, natal Saturn conjunct Pluto, Chiron in Scorpio, South Node of the Moon in Scorpio and Sun/Mercury/Uranus in Scorpio’s 8th house highlight the pain, loss, hurt, jealousy, and depth of emotional trauma you are describing. Interestingly, your 7th house of marriage partners and your 11th house of friends are ruled by your natal Venus,which is conjunct Uranus, the ruler of trauma residing in your 8th house. This confirms the relationship you suspect between your early emotional history and your suffering in marriage, friendship and life.
As a Cancer Sun, your relationship with and emotional sensitivity to your mother, her behavior and her emotional makeup and history is now and always was powerfully affecting. Generally one’s mother is described by the Moon in your natal chart. In your chart, your natal Moon is in Sagittarius conjunct Jupiter in the 1st house opposing your Venus in the 7th house and Uranus in the 8th house, clearly showing the trauma that your mother experienced in her own history. This trauma was projected onto you (whether intended or not)m shaping your 1st house self-awareness, your 7th house choice of and relationship with your spouse as well as your consistent experience of 8th house betrayal, jealousy, and pain. Fortunately, your natal Moon also trines Saturn/Pluto and sextiles Neptune affirming your kindness, positive nature and goodness.
The confusion you report is visible through your Mercury in Cancer in the 8th house squaring Neptune. For the last several years and through 2013, transiting Pluto and Uranus have either been in hard aspect to that square or approaching those hard aspects. This has focused you on understanding what is happening, why it is happening and what you can do to see and be seen differently. Your 7th house of marriage is ruled by Venus, natally conjunct Uranus, suggesting that you have been or will be separated or divorced. Your progressed Venus is approaching your natal Pluto indicating that a divorce will likely occur in a year or no longer than 3 years which may be necessary for your healing.
Due to your natal Neptune in your 11th house, it is not just that you aren’t seen clearly by friends or disappointed by them, it is also that you don’t see them as they are leading to your experience of being taken advantage of by them.
This spring as transiting Jupiter moves into your 8th house it is important for you to seek professional counseling in order to know your emotional past, be supported by a caring, competent therapist and heal your early relationship with your mother. Then as transiting Saturn conjuncts your Ascendant in 2014, you will be able to begin a new, healthy chapter in your life. I am not so sure that your mother was jealous of you; it is more likely that she was projecting her pain, her history, her needs or rejections through you, her daughter – though this enmeshment is very damaging. It is most important that you know yourself, nurture yourself (Cancer’s real mission), and learn how to seek and feel you deserve healthy, caring relationships with others. When we have been shaped by real trauma through another, it is crucial to recognize that healing can best be accomplished through another, a therapist.
