May is a month of extended travel for my husband, which means I will be alone for most of the month. I used to look forward to this time away. When the kids were here and life ran at 100 mph all the time I couldn’t wait for the down time to cocoon, rest and restore. But today it filled me with an agoraphobia of sorts, a fear of wide open spaces.
Wide open spaces that bring up fear challenge us to be courageous. A client, after raising a family, is in a phase of her life where it’s time to figure out what she wants. When she thinks of the future, she said, she feels loneliness, fear and an acute lack of energy. Points of emptiness in our lives are game changers, opportunities for growth.
We get confused about fear, though, confusing worry, fear of the future, failure and self-defeating thoughts about our self with the kind of fear that is more like the seed whispering to the bud, “reach, stretch, grow”. How do we know the difference?
Here’s how I know when fear is a red light and when it’s green, signaling something new to courageously explore: I want it. Not in a fatal attraction way, but in a subtle flicker, a little thrill, of desire. Desire literally means “of God” (de–sire, “of the father”). When we have a desire to do or try something, it is a missive from our soul. As a feeling, a desire that has fear in it and a desire-less fear aren’t very far apart, but one puts butterflies in your stomach and the other feels more like lead in your gut.
If my desirous “YES” gives me solid information, so does my “NO”.
I once did a reading for a different client who clearly wanted mainly “predictive astrology” from me. It’s not my favorite form of astrology and after I hung up from the call, I felt dirty inside, like I needed a shower (there’s the lead in the gut). I felt this way because it is not my path. I was laboring under the illusion that I should help everyone –including those who mainly just want answers to questions like, “when will I win the lottery, guy or job?” as if being a healer/astrologer means I’m supposed to help everyone who asks. The truth is I’m only supposed to be working with who and what I resonate with, am turned on by, excites me. I’m not making anyone, or working in this way, wrong by saying this: What excites me is what is holy, and on path, for me. The same is true for you.
We are here to do what feels good. This is always our connection to our Divinity, our true purpose. Not wanting to do xyz because it doesn’t feel good is not a moral shortcoming, but a compass. “Does not feel good” and “I don’t want this” and “No” equally points us to true north. Our boundaries give us important information about what we’re here to do.
Scorpio Full Moon connects us with our desires, fears and boundaries. Each play off the other. Fear can alert us to an authentic soul desire waiting to be recognized, courageously claimed. A fear worth pursuing, and on track, will always have a bit of the thrill of excitement to it. After we work with the initial fear, it’s thrilling to take a plunge into the unknown territory of an authentic desire. Who knows where we could go, what we will learn? Ram Dass once said all fear is a sign that you’re about to grow.
Perhaps you find your self with an abundance of desire- are you too attached to a desire, finding it difficult to surrender to the Universe’s unfolding plan for you? Honor the holiness in this, too, while losing your attachment to a specific outcome. The Universe works in mysterious ways, wisely knowing that what you want may not be what you need. Trust the messages you receive at this Full Moon.
Newly direct Mercury, planet of curiosity, joins awakening Uranus at this Full Moon. What do you want? What are you afraid of? What do you not want? Are you giving too much of your energy to desire-less fears, and not enough to thrilling, growth-inducing ones? This is about YOU, not what you should, or what others, want.
When I sat down in meditation and courageously went into that wide open space, I realized my fear had excitement in it. I’d been wanting to work on a creative project but I was scared of failure. Part of this fear was about solitude, for me, too. I’ve been in a cycle of feeling too alone on the human connection level, but I saw that this was because this distraction-free solitude was necessary for the intimacy I am developing with my soul, and the oneness I discover there gives me infinite connection with everything. As I released these fears into truth, the inner voice came: All is possible and open to you. Whatever you choose, it will be good!
Get curious about your fears, desires and boundaries at this Full Moon. Parse out which fears have juicy, thrilling, life-giving desire in them, and which are simply fears of failure, nerve, or informative no’s pointing you toward a better direction for you. Get honest with you, about what you want, and what you don’t. Your de-sire is holy!