I had been looking forward to attending a concert all week. I had even gotten buy-in from my husband, whose musical tastes are vastly different from mine (we have Venus square Venus), so this was an exciting and huge accomplishment in and of itself! Yet by the time Friday night rolled around I had a headache. I’ve learned that sudden physical symptoms can be an intuitive premonition about what’s to come, so I checked in with myself, scanning all aspects of the concert. The venue. The venue felt wrong for me. And, by extension, the people. The venue would attract a certain quality of crowd. This event was a definite “No.” But I had purchased the tickets. I was so curious. I could leave early.
I knew I was getting a “No” and I also knew I was going to override that.
The bar was dark, the energy heavy, and the acoustics, the sound system, awful. The crowd didn’t bother to stop conversing when the artist began to sing, prompting a flare of frustration from her that even I could feel. 3 songs in, I bailed. Saturday morning I woke up feeling like I’d been drinking all night. I hadn’t had a single drop.
Unhealthy Mental Patterns & Behaviors
Have you been in your head a lot, lately? Arguing with your self, or others? Justifying wrong choices, thinking it will be different this time? Mentally ruminating on ideas or connections that have no probable future for you? Futilely developing a battle strategy for a war that you know you can never win?
A client was sharing some longstanding issues with her mother, elaborating on the story, getting really into it. I felt her temperature rising, and so I said: “I’m going to stop you right there. You’re getting pretty worked up, mentally strategizing about when to have ‘the conversation,’ the one where you finally get the understanding and validation you want– the one she’s never been capable of having. Sorry to say this: It’s a dead end.”
Mars retrograde conjunct the South Node in Aquarius highlights conditioned mental habits and patterns we engage in that just really aren’t all that helpful. I know a little bit about the nature of the South Node on a planet, as South Node in Cancer joins my Cancer Sun. I think Steven Forrest first planted this metaphor in my mind: an alcoholic sits at a bar, refusing drinks offered. That’s how it feels, being surrounded by the temptation to do the very thing you most want to do. And you must refrain.
It’s an apt metaphor now. Our Mars may need to “dry out”. The endless mental masturbation to no end, doing the same thing over again and thinking it will be different this time; getting drunk on habits of anger, mental strategizing and future-planning, disconnecting on social media and calling it “connection”; giving in to any old pattern of conditioning of saying Yes when you mean No, the South Node is a point of dissipation, showing us where we can easily lose traction, energy. At best, we develop the foresight to clearly see where this choice or behavior will take us, should we follow it, and the self-compassion and wisdom to refrain. At worst, it leads… nowhere good. Just as hanging out with the “wrong crowd” leads you toward making choices you’d never make otherwise, one bad habit, wrong turn always leads to another… and we will only ever feel worse. Not maybe. Always.
Yet, there’s a habitual element of compulsion with the South Node. Like, this time, this thing that never does…It will finally feel good! It will finally give me what I want! That’s me and social media. Or me and taking care of wounded people. Or me and ignoring my intuition.
Trust me, it won’t be different this time. It doesn’t feel good, and it never will.
Aquarius Full Moon Lunar Eclipse
Aquarius Moon conjoins South Node and Mars -AND- it’s an eclipse. There is a message here. Full stop, Mars in Aquarius clearly wants our attention. Are you breezing through a big red STOP light as though it’s green, then acting surprised at the consequences, like getting a ticket? It is time to reflect on the fruits of our actions. Are we truly getting what we want (Mars)? If not, why are we engaging in this behavior?
There are many ways of slicing this, and not just through Mars. What are “unhealthy habits” of Aquarius, for you? Aquarius rules conditioning of family, culture -and, ironically- your authentic self. It’s both the ability to break free of those and be your most authentic self, and the opposing cultural force that rears its ugly head when you try, which says any or all of the following: “Ooohh noooo, you can’t/shouldn’t do that. I’ll hurt someone’s feelings. I’ll disappoint expectations. I’m being too selfish. It will be way too hard to say No. In fact, since it will, initially at least, feel just as bad to say No, I might as well say Yes.”
We are exposed to conditioning all the time. Our experience may not be entirely ours. Culture, and other people, create a “field of energy,” and just as fish swimming in the ocean don’t realize they’re swimming in ocean because they can never leave it, we, too, can have a hard time seeing all the ways we’re being influenced. Separating from this can be tricky and sticky. For instance, a client is attempting to online date. When she interacts with that social media field, feelings around self worth and insecurity come up. Is that really hers? Mightn’t it be the energy field created by that environment? A dating site can certainly be a place for love, but also superficial values and unsavory games that have nothing to do with heart.
There’s one bottom line here, and really it’s the only one you need to remember at this Full Moon. If it doesn’t feel good to you, it’s not for you. Full stop. No matter how tempting or addictive it is. No matter how “different it will be this time.”(it won’t be) This is the time to recognize and let go of any cognitive patterns and behaviors you’ve probably, frankly, gotten a little too used to, and which no longer have life force for you. They will get you nowhere good… and feeling good is the only place you ever need to be!