Dear Aphrodite, My Venus retrograde outrage has to do with not being in the mood romantically (dead tired, short on time etc.) and having to figure out that an emotional withdrawal/moody acting out from my partner is due to his fear that I have taken away all romantic inclination forever, even though we were exceptionally close for days prior. I have felt disrespected and outraged to have been given a cold shoulder over this, like everything is up to me. A stand off exists. How should I handle this to feel I keep my right to be treated as a person and yet be fair? -Maria
Dear Maria, Sex is not an on-demand thing, like cable television, something you can turn on and off at will. To enjoy sex women need to be rested, restored, not stressed out and in an amenable mood – which is often a tall order in this day and age. However, I suspect your guy knows this (and if he doesn’t, this is an opportunity to educate him), because, as you said, you identified this “acting out” as his fear of not having intimacy.
It sounds like you may be mixing his fear of not being romantically intimate with your own outrage/fear at being sexually objectified. I understand. All we have to do is look at how our female images are used in media and feel icky. It’s as though the world at large has co-opted Venus into becoming a role/body, not a person. That said: Is he the type of guy who would demand sexual intimacy when you don’t feel it? If so, you might want to rethink this relationship. You need to decide whether this man is truly being unreasonable.
Let’s acknowledge what you are bringing to your partnership. In your natal chart, Saturn (planet of Fear/Authority), and Mars (planet of Action/War) are in your seventh house, square Venus in Virgo. I have noticed just how easy it is for my Virgo Venus friends to myopically focus on something and then pick at it till it bleeds, and with this combo it may feel like there’s always “something” – more relationship work to be done, etc, an issue that needs to be addressed, causing you to throw down the gauntlet and declare war. These are your planets, not his, and owning this can empower you to not project your stuff onto him. Good news!: To mobilize these warring forces within, Venus in Virgo simply needs something to work on. In a calm and open frame of mind, you might try this: Sweetie, I know you want more intimacy from me. Can we talk about what’s keeping me from being in that relaxed, sensual place -and how you might help to get me there? (For instance, if too many household chores are preventing you from feeling slow and sensual, I bet he’d be more than willing to pitch in and help!)
Lastly, If you consider this guy a keeper, I would think very carefully about how you want to respond to the vulnerabilities he shows you. Men easily feel emasculated by a woman who is not in her power. We have much more authority with them than we realise. They have raw feelings and fears, like we do, but they look to us for direction on how to proceed on emotion/heart matters. Can you be a leader here– use Mars/Saturn to build up trust between you, not tear it down? Part of being in loving committed partnership is learning to recognise our partner’s fears and wounds, and befriending those as best we can. It takes practice and forgiveness. We screw up. No one is perfect. But if he’s a loving guy who genuinely cares for you, why not try placing your trust in that and start there? Think about it: He has a fear of you not being intimate with him for an extended time. That’s another way of saying “I want to be intimate with and close to you.” Not such a bad problem to have, eh?!