This year has seen the bulk of my life collapse. In January I started to experience panic and anxiety and by August I was forced to quit my job, move homes and give up my fierce independence, due to illness (chronic fatigue). Over the last three months I have had some pretty dark days, becoming aware of parts of my psyche that were both terrifying and surprising. It feels as if my identity is crumbling and there have been times where I have felt both emotionally and mentally unstable. The only approach that has brought me any peace is to relax and accept what is happening to me and let it all go, trusting that this period will come to a natural conclusion. For someone who has always been controlling, driven and mind oriented this has been a challenge to say the least. Is there anything in my chart that might explain what is happening to me and what is the core of such an experience? Looking forward your insights. I was born October 13, 1975. (SC)
Your chart does highlight this time period as the one when your life as you have known it will change, transform and you will become what you are truly capable of being. These periods, if and when they occur, are the bridge between a life that was not fully you and a life that will be fulfilling. First, this period will come to an end. Second, your choice to relax, accept what is, and let it all go with trust in your life journey is exactly right and true. Your current illness is clearly described by transiting Neptune opposing your natal Venus in your 6th house of health from the 12th house, a transit which began in May of 2013 and will end in January of 2015. This is a physical illness, a reality, which is necessary to treat yet it is also a spiritual opening, a demand that you open to, surrender to this time to develop your inner life, your spiritual life and heal.The 6th house is also the arena of work, your job, which did have to be surrendered, given up during this journey. Your fierce independence is a desirable and often an overly defensive quality of your Aquarian Moon, defensive due to Saturn’s opposition to your natal Moon. This is a time when you are redefining what independence is, what it is for you, what it can be even now when your past methods of being independent are not possible. The Moon is where we feel, find comfort, are vulnerable and meet our psyche, both terrifying and revealing.
Another quality of your Aquarius Moon is an excessive need to know, to use the mind to manage/protect/determine your life which can never be effective over a lifetime. Saturn is initially our attempt to defend and control life, ourselves, others and what happens in order to survive, be safe and feel empowered. Why is this no longer working? Your natal Mercury, your mind, is in Libra closely conjunct Pluto; both planets currently opposed by transiting Uranus and squared by Pluto. Ouch, your mind oriented, driven, and controlling identity is over, to be replaced by an ease, a trusting and kinder (both to yourself and others) mental knowing that life doesn’t need to be controlled nor can it be permanently controlled.This is the time when you are learning to become a true Libra, independent and deeply interconnected with others knowing that we need each other, that our authentic independence (a necessary understanding for an Aquarian Moon) is based on self awareness, independence and interdependence. In the next several years you will find your home (Mercury rules your 4th house of home), your partner (Mercury also rules your 7th house of partnership), and your purpose, (Pluto rules your 9th house) which would not be possible without this surrender of your old behavior and identity. A new, truer identity is developing and will support you for the rest of your life. This is hard, painful and frightening which is why it would be at least helpful and probably necessary to find and choose a therapist or spiritual mentor/guide or group for comfort, support and guidance during this crucial time.
My birthday is May 24, 1972. I feel as if I’m wired to to worry and be stressed! I can meditate or sometimes spontaneously “drop in” to a place of exquisite joy and bliss where I feel complete and connected to myself and Source. But this is only fleeting and I almost feel as though life is one big tease. The Universe delivers these moments then snatches them away for another 4 months in which I‘m filled with anxiety, panic attacks and fear. I have done so much “work on myself”, I’m self aware, I see the patterns yet I feel driven and powerless to stop them. I feel as if I’m going to self destruct and that I will never be happy. On the outside everything is great – wonderful marriage, beautiful family, work I love yet inside I’m such a pessimist, so depressed, so fearful, constantly pushing myself to be perfect – I wish my mind had an off switch or I could flick it to the joy setting. Can you suggest anything? Thank you for all you do to serve. Warm wishes. (RR)
Truly you are both wired to worry and be a pessimist and you are wired to know exquisite joy – the painful feelings are clearly indicated by your Sun conjunction to Saturn and the joyful, soulful feelings are just as clearly indicated by your Sun opposition to Neptune. As a Gemini your mind with its innate brilliance, curiosity, questioning, and communicative skill is your greatest gift while its tendency to over-think, over-question, over-analyze, and try to figure everything out is your greatest challenge. Add Saturn and Neptune to this mix with all 3 planets conjunct the Ascendant/Descendant angle and your identity, awareness and experience of yourself is dominated by this inner warfare, dissension and seesaw of belief, mental back and forth and confusion. The duality of Gemini tells us that you are both the self-aware woman who knows your genuine nature as a joyful, connected soul and the one who struggles with depression, confusion, anxiety, and worry – knowing and not knowing, joy and pain. In addition to this powerful Sun, Saturn, Neptune planetary alignment on your Ascendant/Descendant, you were born with your Moon conjunct Uranus adding to your brilliance, natural sensitivity to beauty, capacity to love/find/commit to a loving relationship and your experience of the fleeting, on-off quality of your emotional, intuitive life. This aspect would also suggest a bit of impatience with the slow, here now and gone in the next moment nature of psychological/spiritual growth. Surely, having both your Sun, inherent nature, and your Moon, feeling, intuitive self in air signs explains why you would like to flick a switch that could turn your mind off or to a joyful setting. Of course this is your life work, finding this balance, losing it, returning to it again and again until the joyful, self aware self becomes your consistent core while you are able to feel, observe, comfort and release your mental tendency to separate from truth with your mind. These two, intense planetary aspects are both being exceptionally triggered now – transiting Neptune has been squaring your natal Sun opposition to Neptune last year and this year and transiting Uranus will begin opposing your natal Uranus in 2014 continuing to impact you for several years. Both Uranus and Neptune will continue to affect you for the next two plus years. Transiting Pluto has been either conjunct your natal Jupiter or opposing your natal Venus/Mars conjunction for the last several years. All 3 of the trans personal planets have been challenging these innate conflicts during this period which will begin to ease in early 2016. While this is, has been and may continue to be a difficult period, both Uranus and Neptune will move on in early in 2016 while Pluto will remain a bit longer before this evolutionary jump concludes leaving you the woman whose inner life more truly reflects, compliments and supports your successful, satisfying outer life. Give yourself credit for the positive life you have created knowing that you are in the process of growing into a conscious, spiritual life that is just as positive. In the meantime, it would be very helpful to find a therapist or or spiritual mentor to assist, support and guide you during this intense moment in your life.