Last December I did something bold, and something absolutely terrifying. I told my husband I wanted to move. Out of state. Away from California, our home for twenty years.
Actually, I had been telling him I wanted to move for months, but I wasn’t being received. He didn’t want to move. We’d lose his retirement benefits. Not the right time. Maybe in about five years. And the conversation was shelved.
But I didn’t have five years. I was desperately unhappy. Nothing felt good or right here, anymore, for me. I had changed, and I needed my environment to support me. I felt like a tomato plant trying to grow in an inhospitable, parched and dry, desert. I didn’t even know where we’d move to, yet…I hadn’t gotten that far. Heck, I didn’t know what was possible for us. We needed to explore options and places, together.
Yet I wasn’t getting through. It wasn’t what I was saying but how I was saying it. I had been complaining, not speaking as the Goddess. So I took a deep breath from the bottom of my vagina and said “We need to move by the end of 2017.” I said that if he didn’t want to move, because that was the message he had been giving me, then we would have to figure out a part-time living situation for me. Then I was silent. It was a bold move. And it terrified me, because all of my childhood and female programming flooded my system, reminding me that, historically, if I asserted, no, insisted on my True Self needs, I wouldn’t survive that fallout. That my very survival depended on the approval of the male figure in my world– and to defer and back down, right NOW.
Yet I was no longer a child, dependent on another for survival. I was a grown-ass woman capable of making her own decisions and I needed to be heard.
I knew I wouldn’t survive here for another 5 years. I knew we wouldn’t survive.
I suddenly became terrified, that our marriage wouldn’t survive my insistent self-assertion.
(I have a feeling that every woman knows what this feels like.)
Oh God, he might leave me. That thought hadn’t occurred to me before this moment, but as I was standing there it surely did. And in that moment, I could clearly see how by not taking this huge risk, I’d be betraying myself.
I set a big wheel in motion that day, though now its become way more fun and interesting. We are actively seeking new places to live. It’s now become apparent that a relocation wasn’t just for me, but for us, as all the reasons why he also needs to leave unfolded in the months following. He hadn’t been able to see it then. This taught me a great lesson: When one half of a committed couple hears the call of Truth, it benefits all. If your Divine Self gently calls, and then more insistently bangs on your door, advising you that it’s time to make a bold and radical move, if you’re both committed to being together for the long haul, it will benefit everyone. Without exception.
It can only be right to follow the call of The Truth, which is another thing I learned:
The Truth is never MY Truth- that would make it of the Ego. The Truth is The Truth. People tend to say “I’m standing in MY Truth and it’s xyz…” which makes my truth sound like it’s different from yours, which sets up a polarity that is basically an invitation for someone to argue with you. Nope. The Truth is The Truth is The Truth. You don’t qualify “the sky is blue”, with, “well, its blue… for me?” The Truth is what is happening, what is. The Truth was the simple fact we needed to move. Period (not question mark).
When I took that deep breath, I stood in The Truth. Not my Truth, THE TRUTH.
In the months ensuing, working through insecurities, questions, fears about the move, I’ve had many opportunities to keep standing in The Truth. Which, as I discovered, took pressure off my Ego from constantly having to defend itself. It was such a huge relief to let The Truth have my back. Nope, not going there, not convincing, not reassuring, arguing, cajoling, questioning or backing down. I’m standing in The Truth now.
At this Full Moon, what Truth is ready to make itself known, for you?
Where can you give your Ego a rest from trying to be more convincing, articulate, clear for another in your communication, and instead of taking a defensive posture about what you want, step boldly into THE TRUTH?
How are you holding your self back?
Are you ready to get out of your own way?
Aquarius Full Moon is about leaving behind the shackles of old conditioning keeping us from a delicious, orgiastic freedom that can only arrive through being authentic and true to you. Often that freedom is achieved by saying yes when you mean yes, and no when you mean no (waffling, being a pushover, indecisive will harsh your authenticity/freedom mellow). Other times we are unwitting participants in ingrained, conditioned childhood patterns – holdovers from long ago. We want to say yes or no, to make a change… but that would mean we’d have to stop catering to someone else’s insecurities. Or, we want to follow the call of Truth…but to place our Divine Self’s knowing above all else, and be willing to risk everything? Whoa, what self-love, what courage, what compassion.
This is an eclipse, which is like an Aquarius Full Moon, with exclamation marks. Eclipses are game-changers, wild cards that tend to move us ten paces forward on an issue. They can quicken internal drives that accelerate our evolution. With eclipses, we have an ability to see patterns, and change them. With Aquarius (or any Uranus transit), we are ready to break free from unhealthy habits into greater authenticity, and this may mean disappointing another’s version of reality, shaking up their expectations, initially surprising or shocking them.
But the beautiful thing about THE TRUTH… it will set you free. I experienced this big time, that day. The old pattern of deference, poof!, gone. The old childhood fear that my needs and desires wouldn’t be taken seriously, that I didn’t matter? I moved at least a hundred paces ahead on that one. I continue to experience uplifting whooshes of freedom in big and small ways, from being honest with myself about a social obligation being out of alignment for me, to an energy that’s affecting me, which, once honestly acknowledged, clears.
THE TRUTH will set you free. Can you let this in, deeply? Not just understanding this intellectually, but knowing and experiencing it in your body? In the coming days, allow THE TRUTH to surround, guide, hold and protect you, embracing you like a mother’s warm arms. An Aquarian mother, maybe -necessarily detached from what other people think or feel, whose true warmth is her sparkling authenticity, and whose love is Divine liberation. She’s a palpable Goddess energy field, THE TRUTH, as real and clear as the blue sky you and I share.