Dear Flora, How do I improve my relationship with my difficult, moody, eighteen year old daughter whom I have nothing in common with and who at this point pretty much hates everything about me or that has to do with me? Yours, Danielle
Hi Danielle, Thank you for reaching out for some insight on your relationship with your daughter. With your Aries Sun and Mercury in Aries, it isn’t always easy to ask others for help as you’d really rather rely on yourself. But part of your lesson as an Aries is to learn how to “play well with others” and slow down long enough to make sure that you are including those you love in your life. You have a gentle Venus in Pisces which can be very sensitive, loving and compassionate, but you may cover up this softer part of you up with your more brash Aries self.
Now, unfortunately without your birth time and your daughter’s birth data, there is less information to work with. But, from the information I do have, I can tell you that, with your Mercury in Aries, it can be helpful to cultivate a “questioning attitude,” that is, trying to practice listening more than speaking. Try listening twice the time as how much you speak when you are around your daughter. Notice what happens to you as you listen, how does it feel? How long can you listen before you feel the need to say something?
You may also want to try and take note of the way in which you are speaking (ie your tone, feelings and energy) when you are communicating with your daughter. Are you being confrontational? Directive? Bossy? Or are you trying to be open, receptive and loving, even when she is moody and difficult?
Depending on what is going on in your daughter’s chart, she may need a more patient, receptive and gentle approach to communication. Certainly Mercury in Aries is great at getting to the heart of things and saying it like it is, but for more watery or even earthy types, this can be more blunt and direct than they can take. If she shares your fiery nature, then your Mercury in Aries may just be fueling the flames of a firestorm.
Also in your Natal Chart you have Mars in Gemini which is in mutual reception to your Mercury in Aries, emphasizing the tendency when you are communicating to speak more than you are listening. Your Mars in Gemini has been going through a year long opposition from the cosmic task master: Saturn. You are getting an intense lesson around communication and how to exchange and share information with others. You may need to learn what it means to really listen deeply, to listen not just with your ears, but your heart and senses and intuition. Try to find the message beneath the words when your daughter does speak to you. What is she really communicating? Is she unhappy with just you or life in general? Maybe she could use a shoulder to cry on or a kind, caring response.
Uranus has also been conjunct your Natal Sun, bringing big changes in your relationship to your self, especially your warrior/fighter side. Your daughter may be catalyzing or instigating situations that are forcing you to change your behavior, but even if she wasn’t around, these changes would still be on the table for you, they would just arrive in a different form.
You say that “you have nothing in common with” your daughter. Perhaps you can try and develop interest in something she really loves, or express curiosity about one of her interests. This is a good way to demonstrate that you do care and want to make things better with her.
The flowers can help you develop greater receptivity and openness to shifting your perspective and behavior. Using them regularly (5 drops 5 times a day for at least a month) can bring changes in your relationship with your daughter. Calendula Flower Essence is an all around healer, but it is particularly helpful in developing communication skills that lead to connection rather than conflict. Calendula can bring greater compassion and warmth to your words, helping smooth rough edges and allowing your inner Pisces softie to emerge. Mariposa Lily Flower Essence is another essence that I would recommend to help you reconnect with your own inner mothering/maternal forces and open you up to divine mother goddess support. This essence helps with mother/child bonding and increases a more maternal, nurturing energy in your self and for your self, thus allowing you to bring this out into the world in a more pronounced way. Finally, Star Tulip can help you develop a greater receptivity to the spirit realm and guidance and assistance from your dreams and inner voice. This essence strengthens your ability to listen to the divine, either via prayer or meditation. If you feel cut off from your intuition or from the spirit realm, this essence helps you to open up and feel less of a need for protection and defense from others.