When two people have compatible Moons (or flowing aspects between one’s Moon and another’s planets), astrologers say that this will be a comfortable relationship, with plenty of shared sympathies and intuitive understanding. The Moon describes what we want from family life and the way we like to be at home. Venus and Mars charge our relationships with passion. But for day-to-day compatibility—whether we like to hang up our clothes or leave them in scattered piles on the floor—this is the province of the Moon. When Moons are compatible, people say things like “I’ve always felt so at home with Bob” or “The minute I met Janine, it’s like we’d known each other forever.”
If only the relationship stayed that way! The longer we’re together, the more time we have to discover each Moon’s secret hallways and trapdoors, so that what once was familiar and attractive can become irritating and strange. I’ve had three relationships with men whose charts had a common lunar signature. One had a Virgo Moon, the others 6th house Moons. I have a Virgo Ascendant; the attraction is understandable. A man will often seek a woman to embody the traits of his inner Moon. My men initially loved the way I did Virgo, smart and organized, health-conscious, analytical, and self-possessed. What a miracle it was to realize we agreed on everything. We were so alike!
But in each relationship, it wasn’t long before I found myself being accused of bad behavior. They said I was judgmental, picky, and unsupportive, all shadow Virgo traits. In my twenties, with my first husband, this was probably a fair complaint. I was only my Ascendant then. During the ten years of my next relationship, with the help of a mountain of books and a couple of therapists, I worked earnestly to whittle this mask away. I learned that men didn’t like to be criticized (Oh!). I developed new tolerance and patience. I dialed up the fun of my Leo Moon and reveled in the adventurousness of my Sagittarius Sun. When I entered the next relationship I was thrilled to finally be a different woman. But four months into our love affair, on one dark and very long night, I heard those familiar words: “I think you’re judgmental, critical and negating.” I was floored.
A friend of mine has a saying: “If ten men say you’re drunk, lay down.” Perhaps, despite the prior ten years of inner and outer work, I was still nothing more than my critical Virgo Ascendant. But strangely, each time this accusation was hurled, I felt that my critical, judgmental lover was negating me! So who was doing the Virgo really? Was it their Moon–or my Ascendant? And why did I keep attracting men with this sensitivity?
After two decades of working with clients and their Moons, I’ve learned that such questions are not easily answered. But here’s a good starting point: When your Moon’s reflective light enters a relationship, expect to find yourself walking through a house of mirrors.
excerpted from my Living Planets eBook
Hello, dear Dana! I found my way to your blog this evening, and before slipping under the blankets on this refreshingly cool night, I want to send word that I thoroughly enjoyed this writing. I think I’ve shared with you before that my last three partnerships were with men with the opposite Nodes as mine, this time, I’m staying in it for the long haul to face the lessons. Thank you for sharing your gift of astrology and writing!
I think I’d trade for the reverse nodes … my last three partnerships had my Moon conjunct my partner’s South Node. A deep but not particularly idyllic connection!
The man I’m in love with is a Pisces Sun, Libra Ascendant, and Gemini Moon. I’m a Sag Sun, and Virgo Moon & Ascendant… likely only to be a passionate short term relationship, you think?
(on top of that we have a double whammy Venus-Mars Aqua/Sco & Sco/Aqua -again, lots of passion but the incompatibleness of our Venuses & Mars are likely to cause it to be short term?)
Not that I’m complaining… it just seems best to know what to expect.
One thing I’ve learned after studying chart compatibilities for over 25 years–I never make snap judgments. People with the most awful synastry can have lengthy and healthy relationships, while those with beautiful synastry might not last a month. This is where human free will (and the deep psychological complexes one may or may not have worked through) come into play. You can find out the most about a relationship’s possibilities just by studying the natals of the individuals.
Dana, my husband and I both have a Cancer Moon. (Also, his Sun Sign is my Ascendant Pisces.) What does that mean?
Think about it. Find the astrology in your experience. Both of you having a Cancer Moon could be utterly delightful (tender, supportive, nurturing, home-loving) — or a disaster if either of you is projecting the shadow of Cancer Moon (needy, secretive, attached, merged). The archetypes are the paints — we’re the painters. How are you and your husband painting with your Cancer moons?
Oh my goodness, thank you for helping me to understand what is happening in my relationship! He’s Virgo ascendant, Cancer moon, I’m Virgo on the cusp of the 7th, Scorp moon . I always criticize him for being unsupportive, judgemental, unwilling to be a partner, which can be true. It hurts him deeply (cancer moon) and I know that it makes him retreat. Now I realize that my judgement and need for a perfect partner (Virgo in 7th) without putting in my work in the relationship has been equally contributing to the problem. If only our moons could come forward, we’d have such a seductive, snuggly time!
Full Moons are made for big realizations — wow — looks like you just had one!
Both laughing and crying at this. I have a Virgo sun, and Virgo stellium; my partner of almost 10 years is a Virgo moon. Yes, we felt instantly like we knew each other, and we’re still going strong. But boy do we both know how to criticize each other, even when we don’t think we’re doing it! Ah well, at least over the years my Cancer moon has learned to hurt for a bit and then get over it.
Dana you are definitely popular,
I remember your name out of all the ones I have read since I came to Moon Circles in 2000 or 2001 something like that.
That is so interesting Dana. I have a Virgo Moon for example. The men in my life seem to be attracted to my Capricorn Venus at first. When I act out on the Virgo Moon…they think I am too picky or want organize their life. When I act more passive from my Pisces IC and just let it all go, things improve. I am trying to develops the smart and sexy, and more sensual side of Virgo. It’s more fun than the strict mommy act…lol. Great post here though Dana and gives one much food for thought. My ex was a Virgo and we are still VERY at home together. I have never felt that comfortable around anyone. Not even my family of origin!
Relationships usually do start with Venus, then the Moon gets involved and much of the trouble begins! Our dependencies, our neediness… well, that’s the Moon. Working through the lunar issues, however, does eventually nurture the relationship quite a bit.